Who Gets These Ideas?

Ughhh...for the last 2.5 hours I have sat in front of this stupid computer...contemplating wedding flowers. I'm so aggravated right now.

See, my first thought was find something in season...looked around, figured it out, and lo and behold calla lilies are in season in September! Sweet! But in the last two days I've really rethought my calla lily plan. The calla lily plan had merged into calla lily and orchids for my hair plan. Then my mauve scheme turned into white for the bridesmaids and mauve for me plus white orchids for my hair. THEN...it turned into multi-colored callas for me...mauve orchids for my hair...and it was getting way out of hand.

Soooooooo...I scrapped it.

And this morning decided on gerbera daisies and sunflowers. More fun, more colorful, more casual...and cheaper (yay!). Now, one migraine later, I find myself searching color pallets online and trying to decide if the shade of orange and pink will get washed out by the aqua bridesmaids dresses and if the yellow of the sunflowers will really go with any of it...and...and...and...

Eff it.

I'm going to get the daisies. I'm going to get the sunflowers. When they arrive 2 days before the wedding I will look at them. They will be fine. They will be bright and colorful and hopefully loud. Yes, I think I've just decided right this second that the louder they are the better. I want to stand on top of the church and scream "I DON'T CARE!"

Wow. I'm really angry right now. I think I'm angry at myself for getting caught up in this wedding crap. I'm definately not happy that husband to be is out of town for three weeks - but that's really a minor issue. I can complain about him being gone and not able to help, but I think that's just covering up for a bigger issue. I shouldn't be freaking out over flowers. I shouldn't be freaking out over what people think.

Is that it?

Is it that suddenly my need to please people is coming to a place where I can't ignore it? I - like everyone else - want everyone to look at me and want to be with me or be me. I want them to see how cool I am, how beautiful I am, I want them to walk away saying that was the best damn wedding I've ever been to. And chances are high that just ain't gonna happen.

When I was a kid, I was painfully shy. I never wanted to stand in front of people because I was sure they would make fun of me. I never wanted to have a birthday party because I felt this huge amount of pressure on me that everyone think it was THE GREATEST party ever. The one party I did have (first grade) I was so stressed the whole time I didn't have fun. I was constantly checking the demeanor of the other kids and working so hard to please them. I think this might be the same freaking thing. Me obsessively checking the different colors of daisies and reading and re-reading the same stupid customer reviews over and over again this morning is not about making sure everything's alright with the wedding. It's about me trying to feel like everything's alright with me from an external, superficial, unimportant judge.

Wow. And I just remembered that 2 hours ago I brewed myself some camomile tea. I bet it's still sitting in the kitchen.