Exhaustion!

So tired...for the last week or so every night I am done at like 10:00. Sometimes I can make it until 10:30 but by then I am delirious and making no sense to anyone, except myself. Well, that's not true either because in the midst of incoherent ramblings the other night I did have the thought that I was incoherent and would be better off letting go and falling asleep than continuing to amuse Chris with my monologue.

We've wrangled out the issues that have arisen, but gosh, it takes way more mental energy than I would've imagined! Exhausting! For 2 hours the other night we sat and reworked the bridal shower, rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, and bachelor party. I was spent afterwards. Yesterday, I ordered most of the drinks, chips and paper goods from Sam's Club. They have a feature called "Click N' Pull" where you can order things online and then they will have it ready for you at the store. You can just go to customer service and pick it up. I've never had a Sam's Club membership before but I'm not really a big box shopper and I'm not sure if I'll continue to use the membership after the wedding. I'm also not sure it was faster to order the stuff online but it saved the hassle of wandering around a warehouse with 1000 other people on a weekend. But something about concentrating and sitting in front of the computer for too long...my eyes have not recovered!

Sunday my parents will be here and that will be a big help. But it will be a change in dynamic that will certainly play out in interesting ways. At this point though, I'm willing to tackle the family issues just to have someone near to be able to tackle this stuff for me. I am trying to get as much of the spending out of the way as I can. Since I feel that most of these wedding expenses are optional (ie. the size), I don't want anyone else to be saddled with that burded. I really have tried to keep this wedding within our means.

The truth of the matter is - we have no means. And because of that I've kept no budget. This went against most of the advice I saw about having a budget wedding - make a budget and keep to it. But it's not like we had years to save up for this. 3 months! And again, that was our choice and if I had it to do again it would still be 3 months. Even Chris admitted the other day that in hindsight, he'd have agreed to something more intimate, but at the time he knew nothing but huge, elaborate, church weddings. He also knew nothing about the costs of such things.

So instead of a budget, I've tried just to research items and find the best way of going about everything that a) is honest to who we are and b) is simple. When I can do that, the options seem to abound. Sometimes this means choosing what is a priority and going for it despite the cost. For instance, we have friends who own a little cafe close to the beach. On Sunday morning, Chris and I are going to take our family to breakfast there before we head out to south Florida. This is a priority to us, so it takes precedence. On the flip side, the church we have picked is beautiful in its simplicity. I thought some simple altar decorations would be fine, but last time we went in I realized that to ADD anything would TAKE AWAY from its modern, simplistic beauty. So adding floral decorations was not a priority, thus allowing us to make other decisions.

I have a spreadsheet with all the costs, so I know where the money is going and I can reel myself in if necessary (I am a girl after all and certain things do make me swoon and go the ATM). Cash gifts have gone directly into the wedding costs and it's funny how the few checks we've gotten have matched up, dollar to dollar, with upcoming expenses. I take that as a sign that I'm doing this the best way I know how.

Feast of Trumpets

This is a cool sidebar story to the wedding that I've been meaning to tell, but it's complicated and I'm no biblical scholar, so I've held off...but today I'm going to go ahead and take a stab at it because I think it's really awesome and a great bit of history.

I may have comprimised on a church wedding, but I wasn't comprimising on the time of year of the wedding! Most Catholic engagements (so I hear) are anywhere from 6 months to a year long. Because of our living and personal situations that wasn't going to work and simply because I'm more happy in the sun (cue Ben Harper), six months would put us right around Christmas and a year...well, that just wasn't in the plan.

To make a long story short, a September wedding was okayed by the priest and there were 3 weekends available - the 12th, 19th, and 25th. The 12th wouldn't work as I already knew a great friend who wouldn't be able to make it, and why wait until the 25th if the 19th were open? Plus, the 19th is my parents' anniversary - their 33rd (I think ::oops::). So we picked the 19th.

Meanwhile, since January I've been doing a study to read the Bible in one year. One of many funny vignets from my chaplaincy has to do with a patient requesting a certain passage regarding a certain topic and me trying in vain to flip through 1000 pages and ending up reading from one of the most theologically complicated scriptures in the whole Bible. So, I joined a study and have really enjoyed it.

Part of what is making it so enjoyable is that the perspective is very Jewish and a lot of focus is on a Jewish interpretation - after all neither the writers of the Bible, nor Jesus, were Christian. One particular topic I've found interesting are the seven feasts of the Old Testament people. It is believed that Jesus' life fulfilled 4 of these feasts literally. One of the ones that has not been literally fulfilled is called The Feast of Trumpets, or Rosh Hashanah. In 2009, that feast day falls on September 19th. So, I've tried to learn a little about this feast!

Rosh Ha-Shanah, pronounced rohsh hah SHAH nah or pronounced rohsh hah shah NAH, is the Jewish New Year celebration. The Hebrew words Rosh Ha-Shanah (which are also written Rosh Hashanah) mean Beginning of the Year. During this solemn religious festival, Jews pray for God's forgiveness, for a good year, and for long life. Rosh Ha-Shanah usually begins in September, on the first day of the Hebrew month of Tishri, and lasts two days. Some Reform Jews celebrate it for one day.

Rosh Ha-Shanah begins the Ten Days of Penitence, which end on Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. Jews believe Rosh Ha-Shanah is the beginning of God's annual judgment of humanity. At that time, God decides who will continue to live and who will die during the coming year. (http://www.annieshomepage.com/trumpets.html)

So neat! The day that our new adventure starts, matches up with the history of the Jewish people...love it! One website I found even mentioned the theory among some scholars that Jesus Christ was born on this day (the 1st of Tishri). Christians refer to this day not as Rosh Hashanah but as the Feast of Trumpets, and I found this great quote:

God does not do things in vain, or without purpose. The Old Testament Holy Days were not just some sort of Divine make-work project to keep the Israelites busy while they were out wandering in the desert. All of the Old Testament Holy Days (Passover, Days of Unleavened Bread, The Feast of Weeks, The Feast of Trumpets, The Day of Atonement, The Festival of Tabernacles and the Last Day) were, and continue to be, living symbols of the stages of God's Plan of Salvation for ALLhumanity.

I'm not really a church person but I love true Christianity so passionately and I am really starting to see how deeply it's rooted in Hebrew tradition. How exciting that I am able to see that played out in our day. Our "feast" starts on the 18th and runs through the 20th as does this particular one, in this particular year. During some feast day ceremonies prayers are said next to moving bodies of water - our prayers for our celebration will be held next to the Gulf of Mexico :)

This has been such an encouragement to me, especially as we get closer to the wedding and it seems like more and more Catholic/non-Catholic issues arise. It's been hard not to take it all personally, and the last few days as I've been researching this, and considering sharing some of the research, I realized that the circumstances around me are not as big as they sometimes feel. There is a bigger picture for all of us! Yay!

So...

Well, I don't really have that much to say about the pre-marital weekend. I went in with an open mind and though the people were wonderful and the place was beautiful, it was difficult to sit through 2.5 days of it.

Having said that, I loved (loved!) the history of the monastery where we stayed. It was like going into a secret society. Not that it's secret to Catholics, but to me I didn't realize that there were still orders of cloistered nuns. It was a beautful old building, and from looking at the website I realized we only had access to a very small, public section. What history behind these walls and what sweet, wonderful people living their lives within them. I love history of all kinds. Growing up in Maryland I loved the stories of the deep south and it's so neat that I've gotten to live here and experience places like Mobile, Pensacola, and New Orleans. Places that seemed so romantic and fictional when I was young...yet, I feel ready to consider moving on :)

And really there's nothing much in the way of wedding planning going on right now. It's probably the lull before the storm. I've taken care of just about everything I can for now and probably won't start back in full force until my folks get here at the end of next week. For right now we're still working on house stuff. We laughingly realized yesterday that mowing the yard and tilling the garden are really part of the wedding plans, as I need to have the house looking at least fairly decent before my mom and dad get here. Two things that must get done tonight are picking out the recessional song and finishing the programs. We're definately not keen on traditional wedding music and we picked a processional song but not a recessional. Egad, the details. The home improvement items really are a welcome relief from my wedding plans.

So far the RSVPs stand at 91 affirmatives. Yikes! 91 people! At least! I thought 60 or 70 would respond at most, but 91 is right at the estimated positive replies for 130 invites.

My mom just called as I was typing to say my dress was in so that is a huge relief...I kinda went way outside the traditional for my dress choosing process. Mom went to a little boutique that a few girls I went to high school with opened to find her dress. While she was there she talked to the owners and they actually sent me links for some ideas, and of course I loved one of them, and of course they are actually the only dealer for that particular designer on the east coast. Needless to say, though I was nervous about how "untraditional" the dress looked, I really thought it was cool! Next time mom went into the shop, they had a sample and mom called right away to say that it was really beautiful and that being it's an empire waist it didn't need much alterations, and it was simply put together so any alterations could be done quickly and maybe even by her. Chris gave it his okay too (I figured he might as well like the dress) and we went with the dress sight unseen.

Now, I've come to realize that many brides go through "dress remorse" and I started to do that, but I also realized one CAN'T do that. There's billions of dresses and for sure one or two or 100 will later seem like a better choice than the one you made. So, my usually brooding personality made a concerted effort not to go to the grass is always greener mentality. BUT I did need to have a backup in case the dress did not arrive (it wasn't slated to arrive until next week) OR was absolutely tear-jerkingly hideous on me. So my backup is JCrew...classic and simple and can be overnighted :) But my exercise/diet program (through which I have lost 13 pounds!) has been slacking lately with the excuse "it's an empire waist..." I think I should take the last three weeks and not use that excuse any more!

So, what a surprise right while I'm writing the blog :) How fun.

Ugh...

Not feeling well. The last few days I have felt really out of sorts...feverish, dizzy. Finally today I woke up with a sore throat and two ear aches :( We leave tomorrow for Mobile, Alabama for our weekend "marriage prep" class. Our priest is so nice, and he knows us both really well and our stories, so this is the only hoop we're having to jump through. I really can't complain. But (since I can :) I FORGOT IT WAS THURSDAY! So I'm busy talking on the phone about how we're leaving on Friday...but tomorrow is Friday...

So, the first load of laundry is in at 10:00 PM, I saved the other half of my smoothie to drink in the morning, and I'm off to lay down.

But I did find this great DIY today...I love terra cotta pots, and after my first Modge Podge attempt on the cupcake tree I'm into perfecting the art and using up the surfboard wrapping paper I bought. And, I spy from my little computer an empty terra cotta pot just waiting for some color!

So, I'm sure I'll have a lot to say when I get back from this premarital class, hopefully all good!

Flying Time

Ugh...almost a week since my last post! Granted, I did two-for-one that day, but still. Even in Florida summer is winding down, kids are back in school. And it's been the busiest summer for me - way busier than I expected. Not much beach time and usually I would hate that, but I'm having fun doing what I'm doing...getting the house ready, making wedding plans...there will be plenty of time for kiteboarding and wakeboading and surfing once the wedding is over.

A couple of exciting things happened this week wedding wise. First I got my awesome painted wine glasses!

I really like how these turned out! But the picture's probably kinda junky and doesn't do them justice. I came across these wine glasses on Etsy.com and just loved them. But, in black, they are too formal. So I contacted the seller who bent over backwards to find samples of colors she could do for me. Since these are wedding favors for my family, I wanted them to be fun but special. I decided on a few mauve, a few pewter, and then mostly turquoise to match my beach theme.

Paula was so helpful and so communicative that I'd definately recommend her store (pauladesigns.etsy.com). She thought of everything, even including extra tissue paper (knowing that these were wedding favors) and a cute black and white damask key chain that's really well made! Unfortunately, a few of the glasses broke somewhere in transit, despite her best efforts and packing, but I'm sure that'll be resolved. I've currently got a few other things purchased on Etsy but none of the other sellers have been nearly as timely or as pleasant to work with.

I didn't even know about Etsy until I started this whole wedding process...well, I think that may not be true now I've written it. My mom is involved in a knitting group and I think I remember the site being mentioned as kind of like eBay for crafts. I don't know if it's like eBay, but what cool stuff you can find there and it's all handmade! So, to anyone trying to DIY weddings...I'd head to Etsy first and see what you can find before taking on the challenges yourself.

And, of course speaking of taking on challenges myself, my maid of honor, Erin, was in town working this week. Though she lives in Connecticut she's in the Air Force Reserve and is stationed here at Eglin AFB so I get to see her once or twice a year without even trying :) We got a lot of planning done...did I mention she's in public affairs? That means we sit down and hash things out and get a lot accomplished! We had both been so focused on the wedding I guess we thought a little reception fairy was going to come down and plan out the reception for us. I mean, I know what I wanted, and we have the site...but as for logistics...oops. But we got it kicked out and we both feel a lot better. I've got some great friends who are going to act as hostesses...entertaining and getting things started while we're in the church taking pictures. We want people to go ahead and start eating and drinking so that when we get there we can do the cake and toasts and then set people free to enjoy the beach while we finish up pictures before joining them ourselves. It's a simple plan but took a little bit of coordination before either Erin or I felt comfortable with it.

We weathered the first tropical storm of the season (Claudette) and it's left me with an awful headache for the last 4 days. So enough of staring at a computer screen for now!

Not So Sweet Things

It caught my attention as I finished that last blog that I've written a lot lately about things and not so much about me wandering through all of these things. And maybe because as the challenges are mounting, it's easier to focus on the fun parts. But that's not why I decided to start the blog after years of promising myself I never would blog anything. What kind of word is blog anyway?

I regress. To avoid the touchy subject that not everyone is thrilled with our decision to get married. In fact, it looks as though some people really don't like one or the other of us very much. At all.

Now, I have realized over the years (slowly and painfully) that not all people will like all people. And I'm okay with that. What I am absolutely not okay with is pretending or any kind of falsehood where people smile, laugh, and generally act as if they are friend but they are not and let everyone except you know they are not. I have also learned that sometimes a friend turns out not to be a friend. And I'm okay with that too. I'd rather know. I have a lot of love and not a lot of time to share it.

So I feel bad that Chris has been having a crash course in these lessons this week. But I'm not really that sad about it. In fact, I feel kind of relieved. For the last few weeks I've been having the recurring thought that weddings - and the planning thereof - introduce all sorts of new dynamics in relationships. In fact, I was wondering if you can really learn who your true friends are in these situations. Of course I was thinking more about my own relationships but it seems that this is playing out to be pretty accurate. I say this knowing that no assumption can be made that is 100% accurate all of the time.

But ouch, what a time to learn these things. What a time to realize that people who you invited to celebrate aren't so much for celebrating your happiness but for attending a social event and then spreading gossip about what may or may not take place. Or really spreading gossip about their perception of what's taking place. What a time to realize smiles and laughs are simply covers. I guess not so much a realization as it is a reminder. And there's probably no better time.

All of us are wounded. Some people realize this, some people don't. Some integrate their woundedness, some project it onto others. The first time I heard the dreaded "I have some strong reservations about you marrying her (her being me)" though I didn't own what was being projected on to me, I still got that awful butterflies in the stomach feeling. This time, it was much easier. The discomfort was fleeting, if at all. The issue really isn't about us getting married, it goes beyond that. We are simply the focal point bringing hurts, fears, and discomforts to the surface.

What an interesting time.

Sweet Things

So, I haven't forgotten to post the cake idea :) I've got a friend who has in the last year or two become a fabulous baker so we've enlisted her help in this cake project. See, my first thought was that our local grocery store has an AWESOME bakery. Really awesome. Everytime someone has a birthday it's like duh, let's get the cake from Publix. So they were my first choice, but when I saw the cost for something basic and well, from Publix, I started brainstorming and I thought of Jordan. She made the cake for our mutual friend's 2nd birthday and it was delicious. So she agreed and I laid out my plan.

For the cake we "cut" (one of the few wedding traditions we will probably keep though I reserve the right to change my mind) we're doing using a Wilton Palm Tree Cake Pan. I guess Wilton only makes their pans for certain years so finding the Palm Tree was an effort, but I finally did on eBay. Then when it arrived it was in less than stellar shape (like the person had bought 100 and stored them in the bottom of their closet to sell later for $$). Alas, the seller was in no mood to deal with the dents so I sucked it up and let it go. Jordan is testing the cake pan as we speak and we figure anything denty can get covered in yummy buttercream. Yes a french vanilla cake with coconut buttercream icing and some fresh berry decorations as opposed to the candy ones from the site.

So, as you've already seen my cupcake tree we're also going to do cupcakes for everyone. That way the cupcakes can be consumed as people want. No stress. Keeping with the beachy theme I found these cupcake wrappers. We'll do the same french vanilla cake but just a vanilla buttercreme that's colored to match the water on our beaches. And, just because I found them and thought they were cute we got these hardened sugar surfboards. Tee hee.

In the end this is not cheaper than if I had bought the cake from Publix but it'll taste 1000 times better and it's way more personalized. I love it and I love everyone will get to taste some of Jordan's yummy creations!

The House

I thought this week that I was taking a break from wedding planning (for the most part) and just going to focus on getting the house together. I love this house but I bought it when the housing market was at it's peak. It KILLED me...I knew I was paying way too much but I had no idea when the housing market would go back down, so I had to bite the bullet. Instead of looking at the house as an investment, or something to flip (the lady I bought it from in 2001 sold it for $50K more in 2006 doing NO repeat NO renovations and actually letting it deteriorate) I was buying it as a house...imagine that...to live in.

But because the market was out of control, the upper limit of my price range afforded me a home in a questionable neighborhood with no kitchen and no bathroom as big items, with a myriad of other smaller items to be dealt with along the way (think a long the lines of replacing ceiling fans, painting rooms, etc.). The plus to this house was that when I walked inside I could totally see it's potential. For instance, beautiful hardwood flooring under layers of carpet. Sure, the house is on a busy thoroughfare, but the house is on the sidewalk side of the road, and I can walk to a beautiful park as well as the bay in a few minutes. In fact the house is close enough to the higher end waterfront neighborhood that sometimes I drive through it just for it's beauty and to remind me that it's "my neighborhood."

But it's been a long three years and a lot of work. I don't have a lot of money so things have been slow but fruitful. For instance, the wood floors in two rooms have been refinished. I made a tile mosaic on the bathroom floor, got a new tub installed, painted the walls, and added some beadboard for Florida cottage charm. The biggest project thus far has been the kitchen. It's tiny so no contractors wanted to deal with it - it wasn't a big enough money maker (for instance I was quoted $250/sq. ft. for countertops because I only needed 25 sq. feet and they didn't want the job). As fortunate shined on me in this situation, I have a good friend who does high end cabinetry and he offered, for cost of materials only and my labor, to build the cabinets for me. So since April that is what has taken up most of my free time. At this point it's more than 50% finished (maybe even 75%) but with the heat of summer I haven't been knocking on my friend's door to sweat my you-know-what off everyday. We're getting there though. Installing some of the doors this week on the cabinets made a big difference in my outlook and I'm now reinvigorate it to get it finished ESPECIALLY now with the wedding coming. I want it to be done and over before my family gets here next month...about this time! Yikes!

But an unexpected remodeling job has added to the mix. One night while reading in my bedroom I looked over at Chris to see his feet hanging off the end of my double bed. Also at that moment I realized he puts out a lot of heat! I was uncomfortably hot just sitting there next to him. I realized that didn't bode well for our future sleeping patterns and the hunt for a new and bigger bed was on. Again, fortune shined on us and through a strange three way trade I won't go into we ended up with a fairly new fairly unused king sized bed. Now, my bedroom is in no way big enough for a king sized bed. When we were looking to buy (ie. looking to add to the registry) we were thinking queen at most. But the king is here and we're going to make it work.

So, ever the project minded girl I have become, I thought when would I have another chance to have a bed out of the bedroom (the king has taken up residence for the last month in the breezeway, tilted up against one wall...a nice sight to see upon entering the house :)? Never. So let's no holds barred redo the bedroom!! OF COURSE THAT'S A GREAT IDEA WITH A KITCHEN IN SHAMBLES AND A WEDDING IN 6 WEEKS!

Well, I thought it was a great idea at first. Marvelous ideas like redoing the wood floor in the bedroom and expanding the closet all seemed possible and within my reach. Chris and I picked out new colors for the walls before he left for St. Augustine and I determined to have it all back in mint condition before he got back. August, after all, seemed so far away and three weeks was an eternity.

I am looking at him right now, peacefully working on his computer. If I turn my head a slight bit to the left I see the bed, still just as peaceful, propped up in the breezeway. I didn't get the bedroom done. Well, I didn't get it done the way I thought I would a month ago, but I think it'll all turn out just fine. But I haven't posted much in the last week because it's been my sole focus. I had a contractor come over who wanted over $700 just to widen the door of the closet and install some sliding doors (not widen the closet itself mind you). I chose to take 2 big garbage bags full of clothes to the Waterfront Mission instead and took the door off the closet (the point of sliding doors was because with the king in this bedroom there won't be much room for closet doors opening!). Anyway, there's plenty of room in this little closet now. After much back and forth between refinishing the wood floors and painting them white (a trendy idea that I have fallen in and out of love with many times these past few weeks) I decided to do nothing to them. Nothing. I decided making a decision in haste was one I would regret later. I found a great deal on a sisal rug from overstock.com (normally $500 delivered and at my door two days later for less than $190) and I will cover the worn wood and old paint spots with that until the time comes when the decision about the floors can be made without urgency.

The walls have gone from glossy school bus yellow to a light blue-grey ("Rising Tide" actually). Chris, amazingly in my opinion, opted for a very subtle but still noticeable lavender hued trim color. Though it took 3 gallons of paint to get rid of the yellow, it's finally gone. Last night, late, the walls the trim and as a last minute addition the ceiling is all shiny and new.

Today we'll put down the rug, set up the bed, move the furniture back in, hang some old pictures, hang some new...and it'll be done. But I shared this story because though I thought I wasn't doing wedding planning, I really have been. This project was just as important to me as picking out cake flavors, or making invitations, or planning the ceremony. This is the real life stuff that happens post-wedding. And for me, September 20th will ultimately be more meaningful than September 19th.

Food...and other Yummy Things

So I've decided on a menu:

BBQ Chicken
Fried Grouper
Red Skin Potato Salad
Sliced Veggies (normal carrots, celery, etc.)
Sliced Watermelon and Canteloupe
Grilled Corn on the Cob
Grilled Vidalia Onions

I feel like I've learned so much. A month ago I would've been worried about the food likes/dislikes of each guest. But though I did start to go down that path I really let it go. And this is silly, but I even told my Dad that he'd have to be okay with soda at the wedding LOL. He's really anti-soda. Beer okay. Wine okay. Soda...not so much. But I just set it out there and it was fine. It's the small battles!

I have been doing less wedding planning this week and more living planning. Painting the bedroom, working on the kitchen cabinets, making sure the laundry's done, and considering mowing the lawn. All those little things that make up day to day living...

The Difference 20 Years Makes

The last time my family was entirely together - at my oldest brother's wedding in 1989. Now we have his son and daughter to add to the family picture!

I'll post tomorrow...trying to sort living through today is enough without having to sort blogging through today :)