Not So Sweet Things

It caught my attention as I finished that last blog that I've written a lot lately about things and not so much about me wandering through all of these things. And maybe because as the challenges are mounting, it's easier to focus on the fun parts. But that's not why I decided to start the blog after years of promising myself I never would blog anything. What kind of word is blog anyway?

I regress. To avoid the touchy subject that not everyone is thrilled with our decision to get married. In fact, it looks as though some people really don't like one or the other of us very much. At all.

Now, I have realized over the years (slowly and painfully) that not all people will like all people. And I'm okay with that. What I am absolutely not okay with is pretending or any kind of falsehood where people smile, laugh, and generally act as if they are friend but they are not and let everyone except you know they are not. I have also learned that sometimes a friend turns out not to be a friend. And I'm okay with that too. I'd rather know. I have a lot of love and not a lot of time to share it.

So I feel bad that Chris has been having a crash course in these lessons this week. But I'm not really that sad about it. In fact, I feel kind of relieved. For the last few weeks I've been having the recurring thought that weddings - and the planning thereof - introduce all sorts of new dynamics in relationships. In fact, I was wondering if you can really learn who your true friends are in these situations. Of course I was thinking more about my own relationships but it seems that this is playing out to be pretty accurate. I say this knowing that no assumption can be made that is 100% accurate all of the time.

But ouch, what a time to learn these things. What a time to realize that people who you invited to celebrate aren't so much for celebrating your happiness but for attending a social event and then spreading gossip about what may or may not take place. Or really spreading gossip about their perception of what's taking place. What a time to realize smiles and laughs are simply covers. I guess not so much a realization as it is a reminder. And there's probably no better time.

All of us are wounded. Some people realize this, some people don't. Some integrate their woundedness, some project it onto others. The first time I heard the dreaded "I have some strong reservations about you marrying her (her being me)" though I didn't own what was being projected on to me, I still got that awful butterflies in the stomach feeling. This time, it was much easier. The discomfort was fleeting, if at all. The issue really isn't about us getting married, it goes beyond that. We are simply the focal point bringing hurts, fears, and discomforts to the surface.

What an interesting time.