Irony

Just the fact that I am writing - or about to write - about this particular topic is ironic...but here goes...

Yesterday (if you read) I about had the worst nervous breakdown I have experienced in 31 years. Really. All over flowers - their inclusion, exclusion, color, and hue. FLOWERS! I am a smart, capable, adult woman. But I was almost brought to my knees yesterday in insecurity and self-doubt. So after hoola hooping the majority of the anxiety away (my new moment of meditation) I started asking myself the hard questions. Like what is up? What's really going on? It can't possibly just be flowers - and that's where I got some of the insights I posted on yesterday. But today, still at a height of wedding frenzy things seemed to have taken on a different hue themselves.

It started with a talk with my best friend. She's an awesome woman. If I gave you her name and you googled it, you'd see that she ain't no dummy. And in our talk today she said:

"You know Sarah, when I got married the internet was not what it is today. We got engaged and I went and got a few magazines and they were it for the extent of my wedding planning. All the ideas were either solely my vision, based on the magazines, or based on friends' tales of weddings they had been in or attended."

That's not how my experience is panning out. EVERYONE is a wedding expert and all this expert information is available for me, an absolute novice, 24/7. Websites, blogs (look irony again!), google image searches, florists, floral supply stores, DIY wedding extravaganzas...it's all happening. It's ALL happening. And opinions are truly like a(&^*les..everyone's got one.

So I'm barraged, I thought after, BFs tale. It's information overload...anyone in my position would be freaking out. But the truth is that I've allowed the overload. No one is forcing this stuff on me. I'm sitting in front of the computer. I'm obsessively searching. So why?

The truth is I'm absolutely petrified. Not with the flowers, and maybe not even so much with pulling off a good party. The truth is I'm tying up my life with someone else's life for better for worse. And things could probably get worse. As husband-to-be said today:

"This could go poorly."

But can I say that - admit my fear - without the sharp intake of breath, aghast at the thought...am I...doubting? Noooooooooooooo...no one doubts...do they? Surely a divorce rate of over 50% couldn't indicate something is awry with this lack of doubt, could it? Could it be that this massive industry for which I have willingly gone into up to my neck is purposefully all consuming and overwhelming? If I'm so concerned about the color of my wedding flowers, or if people have enough to eat, or if they're having fun, if I'm having fun, if you're having fun then there is simply no room in my pea brain to even remotely ponder the bigger issue - that things could go poorly. Not just with the wedding. With LIFE.

I love Chris for many reasons. Today I especially loved him because we talked about this. I shared. He shared. We were able to laugh about it. Together, we gained more understanding about our own hearts and our own journey because we were honest. He saw traits in himself lately that, though his own, are mimicking mine in many regards. Together, talking about our doubts, our fears, our concern of becoming just one of the legions of starter marriages, we grew closer.

Is that irony?